Style Invitational Week 1308: Picture This . . . or These Our Bob Staake caption contest with a twist. Plus winning what-if scenarios. Someone tell us what's going on here! (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // November 29 (Click here to skip down <#report>to the winning “what-if” scenarios) It’s time once again for another contest in which we try to assist Almost Forever Style Invitational Cartoonist Bob Staake in figuring out just what is going on in these pictures — because frankly, he has no clue. Do u?*This week you have two choices: (1) Write a caption for one or more of these pictures, or (2) explain what is wrong with the picture. * *Extra fun: *While Bob still doesn’t know what the pictures are about, he designed them so that *you might also combine two pictures into one — or all four into one* — and describe that instead. For the sanity of the Empress. who would like to sort the entries before judging them: *Please submit each entry — you still get a total of 25 — in this format: * *Picture A: [caption, description, whatever] — with the heading and description on the same line. * *Pictures A and C: [same thing] * *All four pictures: [zubzubzub] * Submit entries at the website *wapo.st/enter-invite-1308.* Winner gets the *Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a lovely — well, it’s actually white with plain black lettering —*coffee mug labeled “World’s Okayest Girlfriend.”* It’s absolutely perfect for Valentine’s Day! Donated by Loser Bill Munson. *Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better” or “IDiot Card.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 10; *results published Dec. 30 (online Thursday, Dec. 27). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week’s results is by Duncan Stevens; Jesse Frankovich wrote this week’s honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational * The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter this week's contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *MUSEMENTS: WHAT-IFS FROM WEEK 1304* **In *Week 1304,* we asked you to posit a “what-if” question and answer it. 4th place: *What if there were an alternate universe where your cat did not follow you to the bathroom?* You’d just sit there and talk to yourself, I guess. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) 3rd place: *What if night suddenly became day, and day became night?* I’m sorry, what were you saying? I was checking my phone. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) 2nd place /and the cattle-dung-paper journal and pizzle dog chew : / *What if anagrams always came true? * Robert Mueller could TRAP A FOUL MAN just by using PAUL MANAFORT. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *What if M.C. Escher had designed the entrance to the Philadelphia Museum of Art?* Rocky would still be climbing those steps. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) If-bombs: Honorable mentions *What if instead of the Stanley Cup it was a Stanley Jockstrap? * It would be easier to hold above your head, but players probably wouldn’t drink out of it so much. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) *If Christine Blasey Ford hadn’t testified,* we might still be wondering what Lindsey Graham’s and Brett Kavanaugh’s tonsils look like. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *What if “Casablanca” had Groucho Marx as Rick instead of Humphrey Bogart? * Ilsa’s request would be: “Play it, Sam. Play ‘Pop Goes the Weasel.’ ” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *What if “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” had instead been “Breakfast at IHOP”?* The lead character would be named Holly Goheavily — and would not be played by Audrey Hepburn. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) *What if Alexander Graham Bell had invented automatic dialing? * By Election Day 1876, everyone would have been annoyed by endless robo-calls to vote for Rutherford B. Hayes. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) *What if all your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge? * “Really, Mom, are we gonna do this now?” (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) *What if America really were a Christian nation?* We’d care for the poor, welcome strangers and be much stronger advocates for including bingo in the Olympics. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *If China hadn’t developed coins as a medium of exchange somewhere around 1000 B.C.,* Cuba Gooding Jr. would have yelled, “Show me the item or service of reasonably equivalent value!” (Duncan Stevens) *What if the Habsburg nobles in Prague had a trampoline outside their window, ** so when they were defenestrated they just kept bouncing back up to the window, yelling, “Boi-oi-oi-oinnng . . . boi-oi-oi-oinnng . .  .” to the Bohemians inside?* The Thirty Years’ War would’ve been awesome! (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *What if cats could talk?* It wouldn’t matter much, since their vocabulary would consist of “feed me” and “so what?” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) *What if shirt sleeves were made of sandpaper?* Maybe fourth-grade boys would learn to locate the tissues in the classroom. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md., and, yep, a fourth-grade teacher) *What if water did not become less dense when it froze?* James Cameron would not be the king of the world. (Mark Calandra, Sudbury, Mass.) *What if we could become the movie character we most admire?* I’m going with Woody from “Toy Story,” so I could make the world feel just a little bit better every time they see me. My second choice is Freddy Krueger. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) *What if the human brain had evolved without the capability for imagination?* Uhh . . . (Brendan Beary) *What if pregnant women grew temporary prehensile tails?* It would be awesome to have that extra hand that moms always need! Why didn’t God think of this?! (Connie Akers, Radford, Va.) *What if English were written from right to left?* .ti ot desu teg d’ew sseug I (Frank Mann, Washington) *What if spray paint cans had spell-check?* Then that ’60s graffiti would have read “CLAPTON IS GOOD.” (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) *What if you inexplicably found yourself back in college, about to take a big test, only you couldn’t remember where the classroom was?* If you know, please tell me. I always wake up before I can find out. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) *What if you were happy and you knew it but you didn’t have any hands?* Whoever was singing to you sure would feel like a heel. (Jesse Frankovich) *What if, someday in the far future, all of Earth’s population is biracial?* I’ll bet there would still be arguments over who’s the most biracial. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) *What if the president boarded Air Force One using a jet bridge and not a staircase?* We’d have gone on assuming he knew how to close an umbrella . (Jeff Strong, Fairfax, Va.) *What if pigs could fly? *Nicolas Cage would have starred in “Ba-Con Air”! (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) *What if the Ten Commandments had been written by Dr. Seuss? *“Thou shalt not smash their heads with rocks Nor poison them with deadly pox. Thou shalt not kill with guns nor ram A knife in them.” said Great I AM. (Jon Gearhart) *What if Jeff Bezos sold The Washington Post to the Trump family? * The Trumps would insist that The Post maintain its editorial and journalistic standards because an independent press is our greatest defense against tyranny. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) *What if I don’t get ink in this contest?* But I’ve got to! I promised poor sick little Billy in the hospital that I would, so I’ve just GOT to. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) *If I typed Style Invitational entries in the dark,* theu wouiln;t get imk. (Duncan Stevens) *What if Penélope Cruz called me to say she’s crazy in love with me and wanted us to run away to some remote Caribbean island for a life of wild, wanton, smoldering passion?* I wouldn’t be wasting my time on this stupid contest, I’ll tell you that. (Brendan Beary) *TWO contests still running — deadline for both is Monday night, Dec. 3: Parodies of holiday songs (see wapo.st/invite1306 ), and to make a new word by replacing one letter with another one (wapo.st/invite1307 ). * *DON’T MISS AN INVITE! * Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.